17.5

Happy half birthday to me.
181 days until I come of age.
I feel like there's more I should do before I meet the 'adult' world.
I've never really met the 'kid' world.
I want to go fly more kites.
I want to have a picnic.
I want to dance in the rain.
I want to leave my room and ride my bike.
I want to enjoy the sunlight and forgo the artificial beams of my desk lamp.
I want to be dumb and be silly and forget about AP classes.
I want to wear my raincoat and big green boots.
I want to paint my nails bright green.
I want to be more childlike while I can still get away with it, because my life, up until now, has not provided for me the carelessness of innocence. In a lot of ways, yeah, I'm really innocent. Reserved. Conserved. Sheltered. Protected. Never tried alcohol, never smoked pot, never touched a cigarette. I've been grounded once, the only laws I've broken are driving ones, the number of guys I've kissed are kept to once hand. In other ways, though, I've never had the chance to be an innocent child. I've had to be an adult roughly since first grade. Making sure my dad didn't hit my brother, keeping Ryan safe when my dad drank too much, avoiding household warfare on a regular basis, restraining orders, cutting my own father out of my life. Those things are why I'm not innocent. Those things are why I've been stressed way earlier than I should have even known the word. Those things are why I was 6, 7, 8, 9, going on 25, 35, 40.
And now I have 181 days until the law holds me accountable for my actions. When I can buy lotto tickets, buy cigarettes, go to jail, rent a hotel room. And I don't really know how I feel about that. I felt this when I was 17, and 181 days have already gone by without me acting like a kid. I don't know.

I saw a really fantastic film today. The Wrestler. Mickey Rourke was great. Darren Aronofsky has done it again. I want to go watch Pi, I'm in that kind of mood. Films with character are better than movies produced along the Disney formula. Hand cameras rock.

Travis made my valentines day really, really special. I can't even put into words what last night meant to me. He did more than anyone has tried before. Thank you.

Raven is coming over tonight.

X.