Smoke and Mirrors

I've been sneaking glances and writing lines about you.
What you think you can take back are the things that are going to haunt you.

This time won't be the last time
That I'm coming straight for your heart,
You know how I move.
And if I must say, I know that I'm worth...

More than you thought.
You've never compromised without rolling your...
I know you've completely torn apart the fact that we could be.

I'm on the search, 2 floors high.
I see the girl that I've been chasing after.
Wishin' her eyes would just reach mine.
Please girl, you know exactly who I'm after.

I can't begin to explain this infatuation that I've grown with you
And all that has to do with every moment that I'm here and you're not.

More than you thought.
You've never compromised without rolling your...
I know you've completely torn apart the fact that we could be.

I'm on the search, 2 floors high.
I see the girl that I've been chasing after.
Wishin' her eyes would just reach mine.
Please girl, you know exactly who I'm after.

And I thought that I would make it,
But you escaped it.
And you swore that you would take this somewhere, somewhere.
Now I'm lost and you're just fakin' with the way you played this.
The escape game never seemed so cruel when...

I'm on the search, 2 floors high.
I see the girl that I've been chasing after.
Wishin' her eyes would just reach mine.
Please girl, you know exactly who I'm after.
----The Audition

I'm glad you can find the time for me.

"That was sarcasm." -Sheldon Cooper

Clean Divides, Visible Horizons.

I'm balancing that divide today between wanting to smack idiots, and lay out on a bit of grass and meditate. I suppose Coldplay actually does improve my mood to the point I can control my temper.

It's mega frusterating when people group up. Not really in an anti-everyone-else way, or done in a malicious form, but it's frusterating when people you hang out with all start having common experiences that bond them to each other and not to you. It has been unintentionally alienating me for the past few days, and it's a bit of a sad place. I'm not bringing it up, since we'll all be leaving for spring break, and I'm sure that will put everyone back the way they were. But it sucks sitting here in the living room with everyone talking AROUND me, never to or with.

I'm uploading things from my road trip over the summer. I miss Hunter and Evan every day. I can't wait to get back home, and back on the road with them. I don't even care where we go, but it's going to be beautiful and exciting, and full of adventure and memories.

I am goign to miss San Diego when I finally leave. But I can't wait to start creating a life somewhere else. I'm a little bit restless in here, physically and emotionally.

Over and out, guys.

Peace.

-J

Open / Honest .

I'm in a mood right now.
I messed things up with Drew. He is a great guy, and we were getting to know each other. Maybe even like each other a teensy bit. But I shared my deep dark secret and now I haven't talked to him for a week.
Wow, holy shit, it's been a whole week. That just kind of hit me heavy. It's been a whole week and the only progress I've made in that time is that I haven't terrified my roommates by wailing and crying all night. I'm still empty, I still can't connect with people, and I still want to sit in my room and sleep all day and all night. I still don't want to see people and I still don't know how to handle anything at all.
The only people I really want to talk to are Drew and Chris. Drew... he won't respond to texts/keeps too busy of a schedule to hang out. And Chris has a life very far outside of me. I want him to be involved with my life like he used to be, but I guess even pre-ending things, he hasn't been too involved for a while now. Which is extremely sad, because in all of this confusion, all I want is to be with him. Not even in the girlfriend way. Just to see him. Get a hug. And be able to talk to someone who really KNOWS me, and not have to even hide behind a facade when I talk to people here, because people here will gossip if you give them even a little bit.
I spend most of my day lurking facebook and twitter because I can't actually interact with anybody without A) pretending or B) feeling comfortable or even C) feeling happy.
I want to go on a walk right now. Even though its raining. But I just want to walk to someone I know because it's so lonely in this room and so empty inside of me.

Do you know what's also really rough? I can't even say these things to someone here, and over the phone just isn't an equivalent. And people don't read this. And there's only one person who reads this who knows what's going on. And that's not going to help anything.

Sometimes I want to say I'm a mess, but it's all internal.
And, all I've wanted to do for the past week is vomit. (TMI)
Also, Sex And The City is totally making me cry.

Dot Dot Dot.

Why do we need to be sanitary when the world's so filthy anyway?

All I feel is disgusting and sick and sad.
How I got over my depression initially was to talk it out and tell people what was wrong, because acknowledging the situation helped me to identify what it was I was getting over.
How am I supposed to do that when, if I talk, someone gets in trouble?
I really really trusted you. And now I'm just lost and alone.
Thank you for alienating me. Holding a secret like this keeps me from even seeing eye to eye with anyone else. You put a wall up between me and everyone else.
Worst part is I hate MYSELF. When so clearly, you are the one to blame.
I don't even know what to do about anything. Because all I feel is NOTHING. I can't even cry any more because I'm so EMPTY. I've been reduced to a complete VOID.
DKLfjd;akn;alejrkl.

Adrift/A drift.

Various things have been drifting in an out of my life lately. Certain friends bouncing around my life, certain people changing their roles; it's all left me feeling a little bit lost in a new sea of confusion. I miss my best friends at home, and living in a divided suite certainly doesn't help ease any of that homesickness. We're clearly divided into "us" and "them", and it's heartbreaking; we were FRIENDS, not just ROOMMATES, but it seems certain individuals would rather blatantly ignore me and others than spend any time acknowledging our presence.
I look forward to next year when I get to live with my best friend Hunter. I think the hardest part of not being at home is knowing he isn't right around the corner to whisk me away when things are wrong. I know I can lean on myself, but sometimes things get too unstable when I turn too far inwards. He always pulls me out of my shell.
Because of all these rifts and changes, I've definitely started receding into my shell. More time in my room watching TV, less time hanging out with roommates. More time associating with roommates than actually seeing my friends who live down the hall, or even outside of my building.
I need to shock-start my heart, because it's a little on the weak side lately.
(Oh Pete Wentz, I've avoided your blog, yet your tweets still get to me!)
I don't know how to let go of problems that are bigger anchors than I can deal with. I think I need some outside perspective to really motivate me.

Le Sigh. But I am Le Tired.